Question:
In news:cmsuhtl98mcw$.dlg@123hotbox.ru, Vilma <v…@hotbox.ru> wrote : > I’m pleased for youand glad you’re happy.
thanks. > Sure you’ll make a nice girl > smile.
Response:
> I even fantasize about it, and the more I >> "indulge" in my masochistic tendencies, the more I hate myself, and the >more >> I hate myself, the more I have to punish myself (= doing masochistic >> things).
Why even try to change? I’m not able to prevent the ever increasing submissive fantasies. My latest one is kissing and licking the shoes of the last girl who rejected me a few months ago. She is such a snob and even though she basically told me to leave her alone and to stop talking to her the last time we spoke, I keep fantasizing about spending money on her and buying her jewelry, fur coats, expensive dresses, etc.. I have the fantasy of her wearing the new fur coat I bought for her while I’m sitting on the floor licking and kissing her shoes like a worthless nothing. Then she invites her friends over and makes me strip and they all take turns laughing at the small size of my cock.
Response:
On 29 Nov 2004 02:26:49 GMT, jimsummer…@aol.com (Jim Summers87) wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->> I even fantasize about it, and the more I >>> "indulge" in my masochistic tendencies, the more I hate myself, and the >>> more I hate myself, the more I have to punish myself (= doing masochistic >>> things). > Why even try to change? I’m not able to prevent the ever increasing >submissive fantasies. My latest one is kissing and licking the shoes of the >last girl who rejected me a few months ago. > She is such a snob and even though she basically told me to leave her alone >and to stop talking to her the last time we spoke, I keep fantasizing about >spending money on her and buying her jewelry, fur coats, expensive dresses, >etc.. > I have the fantasy of her wearing the new fur coat I bought for her while >I’m sitting on the floor licking and kissing her shoes like a worthless >nothing. Then she invites her friends over and makes me strip and they all take >turns laughing at the small size of my cock.
Is there anything in your life that makes you happy? Solitary Soul -> http://users3.ev1.net/~solitarysoul/ —————————————————– Welcome to alt.support.shyness, also known as The *PAIN* Club. - Solitary Soul
Response:
On 29 Nov 2004 02:26:49 GMT, jimsummer…@aol.com (Jim Summers87) wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->> I even fantasize about it, and the more I >>> "indulge" in my masochistic tendencies, the more I hate myself, and the >>more >>> I hate myself, the more I have to punish myself (= doing masochistic >>> things). > Why even try to change? I’m not able to prevent the ever increasing >submissive fantasies. My latest one is kissing and licking the shoes of the >last girl who rejected me a few months ago. > She is such a snob and even though she basically told me to leave her alone >and to stop talking to her the last time we spoke, I keep fantasizing about >spending money on her and buying her jewelry, fur coats, expensive dresses, >etc.. > I have the fantasy of her wearing the new fur coat I bought for her while >I’m sitting on the floor licking and kissing her shoes like a worthless >nothing. Then she invites her friends over and makes me strip and they all take >turns laughing at the small size of my cock.
Why don’t you buy her a fur coat and ask her to act out your fantasy in exchange? Most women’d do it for free. I think what you need is a tweaker who’ll do it in exchange for more meth. You could make it yourself and she’ll be even more enthusiastic when high.
Response:
>How did you lose them?
You know how on your website you mentioned loving the rock band "Queen"? Well I used to really love that classic rock stuff from the 60’s and 70’s but then one day my feelings for it were gone. I was much more alive back then. >What would it take to get them back?
At this point it would probably require medication. I’ve noticed that I feel so much better on the spice Nutmeg. I wish they sold it in pill form. >Have you ever thought of getting more friends (guys to hang with)? > … getting into sports?
I don’t have the energy. Lately I’m only getting about 3 hours of sleep each night.
Response:
Jim wrote: > I wish I could learn to like something but most of my feelings for life are >gone.
What about nature? Hiking in the mountains or camping on an ocean beach brings me joy. You live in Georgia, you’re a couple hours from both the Smokey Moutains & the Atlantic Ocean . . . you should give nature a try. Read "A Walk in the Woods" by Bill Bryson to give you a taste of the outdoor life. It’s a humour book, not some pedantic tree-hugger tome: http://tinyurl.com/6r2mt -rainier
Response:
On 30 Nov 2004 04:16:17 GMT, jimsummer…@aol.com (Jim Summers87) wrote: >>Do you wish to share my fate, Jim? > I wish I could learn to like something but most of my feelings for life are >gone.
How did you lose them? What would it take to get them back? Have you ever thought of getting more friends (guys to hang with)? … getting into sports? Solitary Soul -> http://users3.ev1.net/~solitarysoul/ —————————————————– In my experience, there is no excuse for thinking positively. – ASStagon
Response:
On 30 Nov 2004 05:15:13 GMT, glacierpk…@aol.com (Rainier) wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Jim wrote: >> I wish I could learn to like something but most of my feelings for life are >>gone. >What about nature? Hiking in the mountains or camping on an ocean beach brings >me joy. >You live in Georgia, you’re a couple hours from both the Smokey Moutains & the >Atlantic Ocean . . . you should give nature a try. >Read "A Walk in the Woods" by Bill Bryson to give you a taste of the outdoor >life. It’s a humour book, not some pedantic tree-hugger tome: >http://tinyurl.com/6r2mt >-rainier
Actually, this is a good idea. Solitary Soul -> http://users3.ev1.net/~solitarysoul/ —————————————————– In my experience, there is no excuse for thinking positively. – ASStagon
Response:
>dude, i think all of that jerking off is unhealthy. no joke. >i mean, twice a DAY at LEAST? cripes.
Most guys I guess might jerk off atleast once a day, 2 is no biggie. I do about 2 on weekdays…more on weekends. Its good workout for the body and brain…trying to imagine hot porn in your head and jerking …multi-tasking ? LOL
Response:
In news:20041129230445.08198.00001648@mb-m04.aol.com, kitznegari thinks it has wings <kitzneg…@aol.com> typed: > dude, i think all of that jerking off is unhealthy. no joke. > i mean, twice a DAY at LEAST? cripes. > – k i t z –
Find the evidence. I mean sure, if it’s chaffing him or something, that’s one thing. August Pamplona — The waterfall in Java is not wet. – omegazero2003 on m.f.w. a.a. # 1811 apatriot #20 Eater of smut Proud member of the reality-based community. The address in this message’s ‘From’ field, in accordance with individual.net’s TOS, is real. However, almost all messages reaching this address are deleted without human intervention. In other words, if you e-mail me there, I will not receive your message. To make sure that e-mail messages actually reach me, make sure that my e-mail address is not hot.
Response:
In news:20041129231842.08032.00001379@mb-m07.aol.com, DudeNEPhx1971 <dudenephx1…@aol.com> typed: >> dude, i think all of that jerking off is unhealthy. no joke. >> i mean, twice a DAY at LEAST? cripes. > Most guys I guess might jerk off atleast once a day, 2 is no biggie.
Twice is time to worry if something is wrong. But I suppose one can be healthy even at those lower masturbatory frequencies. > I do about 2 on weekdays…more on weekends. Its good workout for the > body and brain…trying to imagine hot porn in your head and jerking > …multi-tasking ? LOL
August Pamplona — The waterfall in Java is not wet. – omegazero2003 on m.f.w. a.a. # 1811 apatriot #20 Eater of smut Proud member of the reality-based community. The address in this message’s ‘From’ field, in accordance with individual.net’s TOS, is real. However, almost all messages reaching this address are deleted without human intervention. In other words, if you e-mail me there, I will not receive your message. To make sure that e-mail messages actually reach me, make sure that my e-mail address is not hot.
Response:
>Do you wish to share my fate, Jim?
I wish I could learn to like something but most of my feelings for life are gone.
Response:
In news:8ZWdnQA0G7sbXjfcRVn-gw@comcast.com, Dolores <weaselpant…@sinmonkey.com> wrote : – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> F r a.n.k. wrote: > -snip- > > Now I want to have a nice gf. And I feel motivated to look for > > one. > > I mean, this is not the 1st time I’ve managed to defeat > > masochism, but it’s really rare once the self-loathing process is > > started. So now I feel quite happy and proud. Proud of being a boy, > > who’s nice, and happy to have won another battle against masochism. > > And managing to escape the vicious circle of self-loathing is a > > relief too. > This is AWESOME, Frank! I’m feeling really happy for you right now, > because this is probably the best thing I’ve read on ASS ever! You > are a good boy, a good person, and definitely deserving of a good > girlfriend and a healthy sex-life complete with self-respect. Good > for you!
Thank you Lola. Thanks for caring for me! That really means a lot to me.
Response:
On 29 Nov 2004 03:36:48 GMT, jimsummer…@aol.com (Jim Summers87) wrote: >>Is there anything in your life that makes you happy? > Just posting here and collecting pictures of beautiful women.
Jim, you need to get a life … seriously. Once again, for those of you who missed it: Life is about having fun, and relationships are about having fun with other people. Jim, if you were to ever get a girl to go out on a date with you, where would you take her? As for myself: I wouldn’t have a clue. I don’t like to dance, I don’t like to hang out in bars, I care nothing about movies, no interest in symphonies, no interest in plays/theater, don’t care about fine dining (Jack-in-the-Box and Luby’s cafeteria get most of my business) - a woman would have to be a real weirdo to enjoy being with me - a weirdo myself - which is why I’ll probably die alone. Do you wish to share my fate, Jim? Solitary Soul -> http://users3.ev1.net/~solitarysoul/ —————————————————– There are no rules when it comes to love – only anarchy prevails. - Solitary Soul
Response:
dude, i think all of that jerking off is unhealthy. no joke. i mean, twice a DAY at LEAST? cripes. – k i t z – the queen of alt.support.shyness all of the minions are obsessed!
Response:
>On 29 Nov 2004 03:36:48 GMT, jimsummer…@aol.com (Jim Summers87) wrote: >>>Is there anything in your life that makes you happy? >> Just posting here and collecting pictures of beautiful women. >Jim, you need to get a life … seriously. >Once again, for those of you who missed it: Life is about having fun, >and relationships are about having fun with other people. >Jim, if you were to ever get a girl to go out on a date with you, >where would you take her?
Its not about the place, its about the company, spending time together. You can just go for a walk and chat and enjoy nature and still have a good time. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->As for myself: I wouldn’t have a clue. > I don’t like to dance, I don’t >like to hang out in bars, I care nothing about movies, no interest >in symphonies, no interest in plays/theater, don’t care about fine dining >(Jack-in-the-Box and Luby’s cafeteria get most of my business) > – a woman would have to be a real weirdo to enjoy being with me > – a weirdo myself > – which is why I’ll probably die alone. >Do you wish to share my fate, Jim?
Response:
F r a.n.k. wrote:
-snip- > Now I want to have a nice gf. And I feel motivated to look for one. > I mean, this is not the 1st time I’ve managed to defeat masochism, but > it’s really rare once the self-loathing process is started. So now I feel > quite happy and proud. Proud of being a boy, who’s nice, and happy to have > won another battle against masochism. And managing to escape the vicious > circle of self-loathing is a relief too.
This is AWESOME, Frank! I’m feeling really happy for you right now, because this is probably the best thing I’ve read on ASS ever! You are a good boy, a good person, and definitely deserving of a good girlfriend and a healthy sex-life complete with self-respect. Good for you! -=Lola
Response:
In news:6cc08168bde81200d29ff2f74dd096a6@localhost.talkaboutsupport.com, Rainier <rainierba…@hotmail.com> wrote : > Golddiggers I can tolerate. Part of me can rationalize it’s me they > like, not my money. But whores are just dirty scum. I hate ‘em. I > kicked her out. Then I sat in the room and cried myself to sleep.
aww 
You know, it’s not great either when you have not much money. You’re sure that the girl likes you for you, but often there is no girl at all.
Response:
In news:20041128212649.06537.00001069@mb-m15.aol.com, Jim Summers87 <jimsummer…@aol.com> wrote : > > I even fantasize about it, and the more I > > > "indulge" in my masochistic tendencies, the more I hate myself, > > > and the more I hate myself, the more I have to punish myself (= > > > doing masochistic things). > Why even try to change?
Because masochism makes you unhappy? If you have money I couldn’t recommend more psychoanalysis. It seems to work for me.
Response:
In news:d89077d8.0411282214.6669e2f1@posting.google.com, helen~ <helens_pi…@yahoo.com> wrote : – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> "F r a.n.k." <f…@mail.net> wrote in message > <news:30v2raF332e84U1@uni-berlin.de>… > > I’ve spent the weekend with some members of my family. In my little > > flat. No place to hide. No place for masturbation. Usually, after > > such weekends, I have a very big sex-drive (masturbating less than > > twice a day is unusual…). Plus the fact that such weekends are > > like orgasm denial, but for real, not in fantasy. And I really get > > off on orgasm denial. > > So when the people have gone, the plan was to download dozens > > of p0rn videos, without watching them first (save file to disk), > > and then watching them all, being denied the right to touch myself, > > but as I’m not a real man, I would finally cum in my pants without > > even touching myself (which is possible for me, heh… :-/ ) > > But when I started it, I felt the plan was not ridiculous > > enough. So I’ve been looking for even better ideas. > > Oh, btw, for a few months I’ve been in a constant struggle > > against my masochistic pulsions, with lots of successes, and a few > > drawbacks. For example one day I erased all the pictures and videos > > of girls looking superior and snotty and domineering from my hard > > drive. Like this one, for example : > > http://www.ngebokep.com/tgp/metart/discovery/index175.html > > But tonight it was a bad day, complete defeat… Submission to > > the same old fantasies… And I mean, ok, laugh at me, call me > > pervert, or coward for not having the courage to fight my pulsions, > > but you know, EVERYONE who masturbates will think about the most > > arousing thing for them. I mean, masturbation = fun, not duty or > > homework. I mean it’s REALLY hard to try to rule over your > > pulsions… Fortunately I only have passive pulsions so the only > > one who can get hurt in the process is myself. The worst thing I’ve > > been about to do, once, was to leave a message on a "dominatrix" ’s > > answerphone (appointment), I had seen her website, her fees and > > all, and you know, when you really NEED to be punished… (I > > haven’t called but it was written that the answerphone was always > > on) > > So I mean it’s fucking hard to try to change what you like (for > > example try to force yourself to like Rod Stewart if you’ve always > > thought it sounded and tasted like shit). Similarly, you can’t > > really tell yourself "tonight, during masturbation, I’m gonna be a > > wise man", because I mean, anyone who masturbates will mostly get > > off on things which feel forbidden, or dirty and everything. I > > mean, the fun of sex is all about doing things which feel a bit > > dirty and all, isn’t it? > > But I know that masochism doesn’t make me happy. Actually it > > makes me feel like shit. And (still more) ashamed of myself (if > > possible). So if I wanted to stop the masochistic masturbation then > > I’d need to do it to protect myself, I’d need to do it out of > > respect for me. But the problem is that really often I hate myself > > (no self-respect AT ALL) and I really feel like I deserve to be > > punished. > > So actually I think that the only thing which could stop a > > masochistic masturbation is someone who would call me and tell me > > that I’m a good person, worthy of love and all… > & ruin everything? guilt, torment, & delicious forbidden orgasms? all > for what? mere convention?
It’s not only my sex life. I’m a masochist and people pleaser all the time (except when I’m doing nothing all day). And it really doesn’t make me feel happy. The other day I was walking in the street looking at the beautiful girls, and fantasizing about the fact that I’m denied the "right" to sleep with any of them. The only pleasure of that is that not having sex at all makes me feel less guilty for being a man. But I think that guilt can be reduced with something else than punishment. Lately I’ve known a few experiences of pleasure without guilt and without pain, and damn, that really feels great. It made me feel happy, and whole, and at peace with myself. I really feel that fantasizing about being loved feels better than fantasizing about being humiliated. btw, are you a masochist, or a female sadist trying to convince me to remain a (male) masochist? > > the more I hate myself, and the more I hate myself, the more I have > > to punish myself (= doing masochistic things). > sounds like strong orgasm material…
orgasms are stronger without masochism
Response:
Jim wrote: > I keep fantasizing about > spending money on her and buying her jewelry, fur coats, > expensive
dresses, I lived your fantasy. Remember the hot black chick I dated? I did nothing but spend money on her. We’d go out to fancy restaurants two or three times a week. I bought her Hennesey cognac, marijuana, anything she wanted. It made things easier for me. I didn’t have to worry about clever conversation or acting masculine. All she wanted was my money, which is something I HAD plenty of. I didn’t even want sex. Being seen with a beautiful woman was excitement enough. But she got greedy. She suggested we get a hotel room for Valentine’s Day. First she gave me the whore line about not liking to kiss. Then she put all her cards on the table and told me if I wanted to fuck she expected some "favors" in return. Golddiggers I can tolerate. Part of me can rationalize it’s me they like, not my money. But whores are just dirty scum. I hate ‘em. I kicked her out. Then I sat in the room and cried myself to sleep. -rainier
Response:
>Is there anything in your life that makes you happy?
Just posting here and collecting pictures of beautiful women.
Response:
Jim wrote: > Just posting here and collecting pictures of beautiful > women.
I’m the same way. I called Gloria, the Yahoo Personals Girl today. During our entire conversation I kept thinking to myself: "What a waste! I could be on a.s.s. right now." Perhaps this is what rock bottom feels like. I would rather have strangers on the internet call me ugly than talk to a real-life person. I guess I’m more like you and Frank than I thought. -rainier
Response:
On Sun, 28 Nov 2004 23:47:57 +0100, F r a.n.k. sayeth: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’ve spent the weekend with some members of my family. In my little > flat. No place to hide. No place for masturbation. Usually, after such > weekends, I have a very big sex-drive (masturbating less than twice a day is > unusual…). Plus the fact that such weekends are like orgasm denial, but > for real, not in fantasy. And I really get off on orgasm denial. > So when the people have gone, the plan was to download dozens of p0rn > videos, without watching them first (save file to disk), and then watching > them all, being denied the right to touch myself, but as I’m not a real man, > I would finally cum in my pants without even touching myself (which is > possible for me, heh… :-/ ) > But when I started it, I felt the plan was not ridiculous enough. So > I’ve been looking for even better ideas. > Oh, btw, for a few months I’ve been in a constant struggle against my > masochistic pulsions, with lots of successes, and a few drawbacks. For > example one day I erased all the pictures and videos of girls looking > superior and snotty and domineering from my hard drive. Like this one, for > example : > http://www.ngebokep.com/tgp/metart/discovery/index175.html > But tonight it was a bad day, complete defeat… Submission to the same > old fantasies… And I mean, ok, laugh at me, call me pervert, or coward for > not having the courage to fight my pulsions, but you know, EVERYONE who > masturbates will think about the most arousing thing for them. I mean, > masturbation = fun, not duty or homework. I mean it’s REALLY hard to try to > rule over your pulsions… Fortunately I only have passive pulsions so the > only one who can get hurt in the process is myself. The worst thing I’ve > been about to do, once, was to leave a message on a "dominatrix" ’s > answerphone (appointment), I had seen her website, her fees and all, and you > know, when you really NEED to be punished… (I haven’t called but it was > written that the answerphone was always on) > So I mean it’s fucking hard to try to change what you like (for example > try to force yourself to like Rod Stewart if you’ve always thought it > sounded and tasted like shit). Similarly, you can’t really tell yourself > "tonight, during masturbation, I’m gonna be a wise man", because I mean, > anyone who masturbates will mostly get off on things which feel forbidden, > or dirty and everything. I mean, the fun of sex is all about doing things > which feel a bit dirty and all, isn’t it? > But I know that masochism doesn’t make me happy. Actually it makes me > feel like shit. And (still more) ashamed of myself (if possible). So if I > wanted to stop the masochistic masturbation then I’d need to do it to > protect myself, I’d need to do it out of respect for me. But the problem is > that really often I hate myself (no self-respect AT ALL) and I really feel > like I deserve to be punished. > So actually I think that the only thing which could stop a masochistic > masturbation is someone who would call me and tell me that I’m a good > person, worthy of love and all… Else, it’s a neverending vicious circle, I > feel like shit, have done nothing all day, hate myself, feel horny, look at > girls looking snotty, feel inferior to them, remember that I’m a failure in > bed (pre mat ure ejaculati0n), I even fantasize about it, and the more I > "indulge" in my masochistic tendencies, the more I hate myself, and the more > I hate myself, the more I have to punish myself (= doing masochistic > things). > So really, I don’t know how tonight the process has stopped. I know that > I’ve made a break (a masturbation with orgasm denial can last quite long, if > you see what I mean…), and then something happened in my head…. Like a > stroke of self-respect, or something. I had saved on my hard drive my reply > to Lola about deserving or not deserving to be punished for being a man [ > with her quoted reassuring message 
]. And then yeah, I told myself that > there was nothing wrong with being a boy. I mean, I still can not feel proud > of being a man (or feel ok with being a man), but being a *boy* sounds > acceptable for me. All the more that I’m nice. So I felt that I could feel > proud of being a nice boy, after all. No need to hate myself and punish > myself. > Then I looked at the undressed snotty girls again, and I thought > "WTF??". Or even better, WON’T YOU GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE!?! (which (I > mean the song "Good God" from Korn) has become for some time now my > anti-masochism anthem). Then I thought that my own idea of sex was rather > holding the hands of my gf, and enjoying this moment where I’m having lots > of pleasure, and her too. So I started touching myself (I hadn’t touched > myself at all until then), and I started trying to give myself pleasure, and > I fantasized about making love with a nice gf. This felt good. (it feels > good to feel and enjoy the physical pleasure, for once, instead of the > intellectual pleasure (and pain) of humiliation) > Now I want to have a nice gf. And I feel motivated to look for one. > I mean, this is not the 1st time I’ve managed to defeat masochism, but > it’s really rare once the self-loathing process is started. So now I feel > quite happy and proud. Proud of being a boy, who’s nice, and happy to have > won another battle against masochism. And managing to escape the vicious > circle of self-loathing is a relief too.
I’m pleased for youand glad you’re happy. Sure you’ll make a nice girl smile.
Response:
I’ve spent the weekend with some members of my family. In my little flat. No place to hide. No place for masturbation. Usually, after such weekends, I have a very big sex-drive (masturbating less than twice a day is unusual…). Plus the fact that such weekends are like orgasm denial, but for real, not in fantasy. And I really get off on orgasm denial. So when the people have gone, the plan was to download dozens of p0rn videos, without watching them first (save file to disk), and then watching them all, being denied the right to touch myself, but as I’m not a real man, I would finally cum in my pants without even touching myself (which is possible for me, heh… :-/ ) But when I started it, I felt the plan was not ridiculous enough. So I’ve been looking for even better ideas. Oh, btw, for a few months I’ve been in a constant struggle against my masochistic pulsions, with lots of successes, and a few drawbacks. For example one day I erased all the pictures and videos of girls looking superior and snotty and domineering from my hard drive. Like this one, for example : http://www.ngebokep.com/tgp/metart/discovery/index175.html But tonight it was a bad day, complete defeat… Submission to the same old fantasies… And I mean, ok, laugh at me, call me pervert, or coward for not having the courage to fight my pulsions, but you know, EVERYONE who masturbates will think about the most arousing thing for them. I mean, masturbation = fun, not duty or homework. I mean it’s REALLY hard to try to rule over your pulsions… Fortunately I only have passive pulsions so the only one who can get hurt in the process is myself. The worst thing I’ve been about to do, once, was to leave a message on a "dominatrix" ’s answerphone (appointment), I had seen her website, her fees and all, and you know, when you really NEED to be punished… (I haven’t called but it was written that the answerphone was always on) So I mean it’s fucking hard to try to change what you like (for example try to force yourself to like Rod Stewart if you’ve always thought it sounded and tasted like shit). Similarly, you can’t really tell yourself "tonight, during masturbation, I’m gonna be a wise man", because I mean, anyone who masturbates will mostly get off on things which feel forbidden, or dirty and everything. I mean, the fun of sex is all about doing things which feel a bit dirty and all, isn’t it? But I know that masochism doesn’t make me happy. Actually it makes me feel like shit. And (still more) ashamed of myself (if possible). So if I wanted to stop the masochistic masturbation then I’d need to do it to protect myself, I’d need to do it out of respect for me. But the problem is that really often I hate myself (no self-respect AT ALL) and I really feel like I deserve to be punished. So actually I think that the only thing which could stop a masochistic masturbation is someone who would call me and tell me that I’m a good person, worthy of love and all… Else, it’s a neverending vicious circle, I feel like shit, have done nothing all day, hate myself, feel horny, look at girls looking snotty, feel inferior to them, remember that I’m a failure in bed (pre mat ure ejaculati0n), I even fantasize about it, and the more I "indulge" in my masochistic tendencies, the more I hate myself, and the more I hate myself, the more I have to punish myself (= doing masochistic things). So really, I don’t know how tonight the process has stopped. I know that I’ve made a break (a masturbation with orgasm denial can last quite long, if you see what I mean…), and then something happened in my head…. Like a stroke of self-respect, or something. I had saved on my hard drive my reply to Lola about deserving or not deserving to be punished for being a man [ with her quoted reassuring message ]. And then yeah, I told myself that there was nothing wrong with being a boy. I mean, I still can not feel proud of being a man (or feel ok with being a man), but being a *boy* sounds acceptable for me. All the more that I’m nice. So I felt that I could feel proud of being a nice boy, after all. No need to hate myself and punish myself. Then I looked at the undressed snotty girls again, and I thought "WTF??". Or even better, WON’T YOU GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE!?! (which (I mean the song "Good God" from Korn) has become for some time now my anti-masochism anthem). Then I thought that my own idea of sex was rather holding the hands of my gf, and enjoying this moment where I’m having lots of pleasure, and her too. So I started touching myself (I hadn’t touched myself at all until then), and I started trying to give myself pleasure, and I fantasized about making love with a nice gf. This felt good. (it feels good to feel and enjoy the physical pleasure, for once, instead of the intellectual pleasure (and pain) of humiliation) Now I want to have a nice gf. And I feel motivated to look for one. I mean, this is not the 1st time I’ve managed to defeat masochism, but it’s really rare once the self-loathing process is started. So now I feel quite happy and proud. Proud of being a boy, who’s nice, and happy to have won another battle against masochism. And managing to escape the vicious circle of self-loathing is a relief too. — I’m gonna get free I’m gonna get free I’m gonna get free The Vines, Get Free.
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